I woke up real late today which was fairly good as it meant I missed breakfast.

Did a bit of revisin before lunch - I had 1 yoghurt – 105cals and 2 satsumas – 50.

Mam and her now supposedly ex were arguing again but she was still adamant and telling me that she was finished with him and that she couldn’t put up with it anymore and I actually believed her, I actually thought that this time she would get away.

So anyway, I went for a 5 mile walk with my sister and the dogs and I was feeling all good and everything and then we came back and she made dinner and she didn’t say anything when I told her I wasn’t havnt any.

Anyway, my mam said she was going out and when I asked her why her ex was still upstairs she was all like ‘he hasn’t got anywhere to go’ and I was like ‘are you back together’ and she said ‘yes’, I fuckin felt as if id been shot…..bit of a overdramatic response but yeah….i was gutted.

I told her that if he was going to be around then I wasn’t, I am so tired of being the one to comfort her and then her just going back to him, I really wanna help her but she don’t even wanna help herself. All she said was ‘why, it doesn’t effect you’ is she having a laugh!! Ive had to move out of my home and away because of him, every time I visit they emotionally drain me and its constantly on my mind whether and my brother and sister are alright…and it doesn’t effect me…fuck that!!!

And then to make matters worse, them my brother and sister went to my aunties and I stayed home…..

……all alone….

……..with the left over tea…..

and I binged on all of the mash (there was loads) and bread.

I felt so shit. And then I purged. I felt even worse.

So yeah.

Today’s been shit.

 
:(
 

1 waffle - 107
4 chicken thingys - 112
50g prunes - 75
bit of chilli - 150
=444cals

And thats it really.
I need to go and revise, im shitting it about my exams!
<3

1^st January

Shittest new year ever, mum and her fiancé got into a massive argument today, they’ve been arguing for a few days but today it all came to a head, a really fucking ugly violent head.

There was a load of yelling upstairs and things getting thrown about but I just sat in my room keeping myself to myself and then I could hear her screaming ‘get of me, get of me’ so I went halfway up the stairs and started to yell and it kind of calmed down then about 5 minutes later it started again.

Her fiancé ripped up a photo of him and my little brother and my mum was like that’s mine and he was like I’m on it, its mine, but he doesn’t care about things like photos and sentimental memories and to ‘prove it’ he ripped up the last photo of him and his dad – no idea why he done that, he has totally lost it let me tell you, he’s a fucking psycho!

So yeah, she starts ripping up some of her photos and then he ripped up some more of hers and it was just a whole lot of drama and my mum was shouting about how he had her round the neck and shit.

I really hate it when my mum and him argue, as soon as I hear raised voices I can feel my heart getting faster and faster because I’m scared of what could happen.

The sick part of it is, it kind of makes me mad with my mum, she knows what he’s like and she knows what he does and yet she still stays with him, with my little brother and sister in the house! It just really frustrate me, I give her sympathy and I try to help her but you really cant help those that don’t want to be helped.

I just keep on getting more and more stressed about my exams, I have like 6days left to revise for biology and I just don’t think I can do it. I know what everyone expects of me and I just don’t want to let them down. Plus, I need AAB for uni which means that if I don’t get an A in this biology resist ill just have a C and then like all the uni’s that I have applied for wont except me….I get myself into such a tizzie!!

Not really anything else to say about today, hope tomorrows better!

<3 <3 <3

I haven’t been on here for absolutely ages, I lost my internet for a couple of months and I just never got back on….until now. Everything is just really getting on top of me and I need an outlet. I’ve started to write a diary again but I’m scared so it will get read so I’m going to post what I’ve written until now over the next few days and then start to make this my diary…if that makes sense.

So here it goes……

21^st December 2008

I feel shit, all I’ve done all day is sit in my room and look at thinspo pictures on the net.

I feel so down and alone, I hate being at my mums when her and her fiancé are here and I’m beginning to dread going back to my nanas.

I know they’ve been talking about me, talking shit as usual, I hate it when people discuss me its like just fuck of and leave me the fuck alone, you’ll never know how I feel or why I do the things I do and you never will.

My grandparents are so small minded that they’ll just dismiss what I say and I cant say anything to my mum without her fiancé getting involved – I cant even tell her what I feel about him getting involved b/c all I’ll get is ‘whatever’, she does my fucking nut in!
Christmas is just around the corner and I’m dreading it, I actually dread spending time with my family.

I’m going to star being ‘perfect’ tomorrow, I always say it but I never do, but I’ve written it down this time so maybe I will. I’m going to get up at 8 and have hot water with lemon juice and I green tea, ill then do a test paper until 9.30 and sit-ups while I watch Jeremy Kyle - Luvs him! LOL.

I’m going to fast till xmas and then just eat a little but on xmas day – ill hide my sweets so I don’t eat them and just hope no one notices I’m not eating a lot, I can normally just hide what I do…or don’t eat but not on xmas.

I was really thinking about it today and I kind of like having an ‘eating disorder’ or whatever you would call it, I don’t really like the feelings I get but it makes me feel like I have a purpose and that I’m less alone and when people are talking about my back it doesn’t hurt as much because its like ‘you’ll never know my secret’.
I don’t even know if I have an eating disorder, I think that I used to have COE and I think that know I’m EDNOS but I don’t know. When I’m on the net ill be like ‘oh, I hate those wanorexics’ but in reality I may be one. I would say that I have an eating disorder though because my relationship with food is soooo fucked up. I hate it. Even when I lose weight I still hate my body, I just seem to be in self destruct mode hoping that one day it will make me happy. But I don’t know?
  Controlling what I eat is the only thing that makes me feel better about myself and when I’ve had a ‘bad day’ food wise I will lie awake at night thinking about it, crying and hating myself for being so weak and pathetic. It sucks that I wont know my weight until after xmas – ill just have to go off my measurements for now.

I also need to start doing better at school, I need all A’s in my exams coming up and I know I wont get them. The awful think is that I know that I am capable of it and I have nothing to blame but my pathetic-ness and my not revising. I really fucking hate myself.

I’m so stressed with my mum’s fiancée, he just keeps on having a go, I can see why his kids don’t want anything to do with him, he’s a total twat. I don’t know how my mum puts up with it. I heard her talking to her friend once who couldn’t decide which of two guys to be with, my mum told her to pick one and then give the relationship 200% so if it doesn’t work out you know you gave it your all. I think my mum gives her relationships too much, he’s hit her, thrown us out, constantly swears and bullies and takes everything out on my mum. It’s like she will never break up with him no matter what she does. She’s so determined to make it work that she will do and put up with anything.

I could never do that or give 100% to anyone, I just can’t trust anyone, it’s probably bad that I’m so cynical at my age but I can’t help it. It’s strange as well because I’m so scared of ending up alone, and if I can’t give my all to someone then I probably will!

I really like writing my feelings down. It really gets rid of some of my anxiety. I feel better about everything now I’ve written it down because I wont forget how I’m feeling, I hate it when I know I need to be worried about something but I cant remember what.

My mum just came in and asked me if I was writing in a diary and I said yes – more fool me! She’ll want to read it. She asked me for a hug and I said no so she did the whole ‘but I want one thing’ it makes me feel guilty but I still said no.

I hate that I love her!

<3 <3 <3  <3

Ive just totally ruined my fast, I had this huge row with my mum and then everyone went out for a meal except me and I just totally started binging, Ive had 5 heroes - 350, 1 fajita -270, cheese sandwich - 310, ketchup - 20 crisps - 40, bite of lasagne - 40, shortbread - 100 = 1130 and I know ill end up eating more, I just cant stop.
Im so pathetic, sitting here crying and stuffing my face, I was dong so well and feeling so strong until I had the row with my mam, I was sure im gonna make it to 10 days and now its just 7 days down the pan.
I love the feeling of feeling empty and pure and now i feel sick, fat and disgusting, why am I such a FUKING FAT FALIURE. Im gonna gain loads b/c i havent eaten in ages. I feel like im in a nighmare but I know im not gonna wae up - I feel sooo guilty!!!
Im gonna make a plan for the next week planning out exactly what ill be doing so I dont have a chance to do this EVER AGAIN.
I just wanna go to sleep and not wake up.
I HATE MYSELF!